Para sa mga ulirang magulang at magiging magulang balang araw….

(Model for parents and would-be parents someday…)

Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang butil na payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang.

(I will never forget the considerable but golden nuggets of advice/wisdom that I learned from my parents. )

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako [My mom taught me...] HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE :

“Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay.”

[If you two want to kill each other, do it outside! Damn it, I just got done cleaning the house!]

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay: [I learned RELIGION from my dad.]

“Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!”

[If the stain in that carpet doesn't disappear, you better pray!]

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC : [My mom taught me LOGIC]

“Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko.”

[That's the way it is-- because I said so!]

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC: [...and my mom taught me even more LOGIC]

“Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine.”

[If you fall from that roof, I will be watching the movie in the theater alone!]

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY: [It was also mom who taught me the meaning of IRONY]

“Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!”

[Go ahead, continue bawling and wailing and I will really give you something that will make you cry.]

6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM: [My mom explained to me what CONTORTIONISM is]

“Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!”

[Won't you look at that dirt on the back of your neck, look at it!!!]

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA: [My dad explained to me what STAMINA means]

“Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga’t di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!”

[Don't you stand up where you are until you finish all the food on your plate!"]

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER: [...and it was Mom who taught us what WEATHER is]

“Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!”

[Darn it what a mess you and your brother/sister's room is, like a storm passed it!]

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin n i Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE: [This is how Mom explained to me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE]

“Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito.”

[*You flirty kid you, I put you to this world from my womb- I can make you disappear from this world.] (*needs better translation)

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: [It was from Dad that I learned BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION]

“Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!”

[You stop that! Do not act like your mother!]

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS: [It was Mom who taught me what GENETICS means]

“Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!”

[You really took after your shameless father!]

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY: [It was also Mom who taught me what ENVY means]

“Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang. Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?”

[Many young orphans yearn for a parent. Are you not thankful you have parents like us?!]

13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION: [Dad taught me ANTICIPATION]

“Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!”

[You'll see you little brat, just you wait until we get home!]

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING: [And it was Dad who taught my older brother what RECEIVING means]

“Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!”

[I'll beat the crap out of you when we get home!]

15. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng DETERMINATION: [It was Dad who taught my older brother what DETERMINATION is]

“Hanapin mo yung pinahahanap ko sa iyo, pag di mo nahanap, makikita mo!”

[Find the thing that I asked you to find. If you don't find it, you'll see!!]

16. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR: [Mom taught me HUMOR]

“Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!”

[When you break your foot playing with the lawnmower, don't you come running to me or I'll cut your legs off you! ]

17. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE: [And the most valuable lesson of all I learned from Mom and Dad- waht JUSTICE meant.]

“Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak… tiyak magiging katulad mo at magiging sakit din sa ulo!”

[One day you'll see, you'll have your own kid... I guarantee it-- it will turn out like you and will also be a pain in the head!]

It’s about experience!!!!

IF YOU ARE PLANNING TO GO TO CHINA FOR A VACATION, I JUST WANT TO HELP ORIENT YOU ON HOW TO READ OR INTERPRET SIGNS THERE…  NAG-AALALA LANG AKO SA INYO BAKA MAHIRAPAN KAYO PAGDATING NINYO DUN!

PAG ETO SUMALUBONG SA IYO SA AIRPORT, ABA’Y DAPAT LANG NA MATUWA KA!!!

Oi itulak mo daw para buhay ka!

Anu daw? Bawal ata mag yosi sa loob o tinapang bisita ba?

Bawal tapakan natutulog daw ung damo.

Gawa sa china kya ilayo nyo sa anak nyo.

ihulog nyo daw ung anak nyo ng dahandahan.

Dito mura mag patabas ng paa .

sa mga gustong mag pakamatay dito daw kayo pumunta.

Ung mga sawa na sa buhay o mag babagong buhay.

Hahahaha anu bang gusto mong reaksyon ko ditoGawin bang bote ang lata?

PARA SIGURADO, DI BA ?!!

ISIPIN NIYO MUNANG MABUTI KUNG KAYA NIYONG KAININ ITO HA!

TO, IWASAN NIYONG PUMUNTA DITO AT MALUNGKOT DITO!!!

SIGURO NAMAN, OBVIOUS NA ETO… LIBRE NA NGA EH….KAYA DAPAT LANG SIGURO!!!

ME NAUNTOG NA NGA YATA EH… SABI NA KASING DAHAN DAHAN ANG PAG-UNTOG EH!!!

DITO, MARAMI KANG MAKIKILALA.. .. IBA-IBANG KLASE TALAGA!!!

KUNG GUSTO MO LAANG NAMAN….

ETO MEDYO NAGULUHAN DIN AKO… MASASAKTAN BA AKO KUNG DI KO IPE-PRESS O BAKA MASAKTAN AKO KUNG IPE-PRESS KO…. HMMMM… BAHALA NA KAYO MAG-DECIDE KUNG SUSUNDIN NIYO ETO O ANO….

DITO KASI, DI LANG ASO ANG DELIKADO!!!

SA MGA FANS NI FRODO AT SAM, DAMI KAYONG MABIBILING LIBRO DITO….

TEKA…… DI KO YATA KAYA TO AH……..BASTA IPUWESTO NIYONG MAIGI ANG SILYA AT PANATILIING MALINIS ANG MESA PAGTAPOS NIYO MAMATAY!!!

MALINAW NA BA?!!

]]> http://tataypepes.com/2009/06/english-signs-chinese-style/feed/ 1 http://tataypepes.com/2009/01/more-irritating-pinoy-expressions-butch-dalisay/ http://tataypepes.com/2009/01/more-irritating-pinoy-expressions-butch-dalisay/#comments Fri, 23 Jan 2009 04:50:53 +0000 dmeemai http://tataypepes.com/?p=409 by the “Penman” Butch Dalisay

LAST WEEK’S piece on “The 10 Most Irritating Pinoy Expressions in English” unleashed a torrent of responses, many of them contributions to a further listing of words and phrases that sound like fingernails on a blackboard. I’d clearly forgotten many more of these expressions, so let me take note of the choicest ones on my readers’ lists, as well as add a couple more of my own.

1. Actually, basically, honestly, as a matter of fact. Favorite opening lines, no matter what follows. I suspect that “actually” is the Pinoy’s translation of another phrase revered in showbiz, “sa totoo lang,” mouthing which is supposed to instantly enhance the truthfulness of one’s statement. “Basically” sounds more educated than “uhmmm” and “duhhh,” so it fills those gaps just nicely, like so much starch in a sausage. And don’t you just love it when someone says, “As a matter of fact…” followed by an opinion?

2. Stuffs, equipments, jewelries, evidences, baggages, luggages. Who said we didn’t know our grammar? Add “s” to form the plural, right?

3. As in, as if. These, to some Pinoys, are complete—albeit elliptical—sentences, as in “As in!” or “As if!” For the full explanation, grab someone below 25 off the street and torture him or her for the answer. That person will probably be dead before you’re satisfied.

4. “I want to be clarified.” Unless you happen to be a vat of syrup, fruit juice, butter, or petroleum, clarifying you will be difficult, even lethal. Some matters may need to be clarified, but not people, as dense or as confused as they may be.

5. “Like what you said….” What’s with the what? Like last week’s “wherein,” “what” has insinuated itself into our English in this very strange way: “As what the Golden Rule says, do unto others….” or “Independents can sometimes win, like what the last elections proved.” What? Not!

Not all Filipinisms are or should be annoying—although “annoying” depends on who’s getting annoyed. I don’t see myself ever using such words as “presidentiable” or “Imeldific,” but I can’t take them away from Filipinos for whom they’ve acquired a very clear and precise meaning. (My abhorrence for “multiawarded” stems from the crudeness of its construction, but I’m resigned to hearing it until I croak.)

We have as much a right to contribute to the ever-growing vocabulary and usage of English as other people who use the language. If we have to bend over backwards to understand what the British mean by “dressed to the nines” or what young Americans do when they “diss” someone, then it can’t be too much to expect them to figure out what we mean by “for a while” (which some of my readers roundly scored, but which I’ve come to appreciate for its certain charm).

Of course, things get tricky when we invent words, fully expecting others to understand and to accept them the way we do. Reader Peter Stitt suggested that “fiscalize” is Pinoy news-speak, and I had to Google the word to see that he was right (or nearly so—it’s used in an even larger sense by the Portuguese, who, asserts one article, have fiscals for everything, from college exams to food and drink and taxes).

If we banned the word “votation”—the ultimate solution to every argument in this country, next to knives and guns—no one would ever get elected, and nothing would ever get done (considering where “votation” has taken us, maybe that’s not too bad). And how can anyone tell the Aggrupation of Advocates for Environmental Protection (AGAP) or the Pagadian-based Baganian Aggrupation for Development (BAD) that they have no right to exist, because… there’s no such word? (Their defense will be to fall back on the precedent of the Concerned Citizens Aggrupation, which won many votes in Zamboanga in the early 1980s.)

As I’ve said in this corner many times before, the important thing is for those who use English to deal with the outside world to be aware of the difference between our English and theirs. Otherwise, whatever works, works. (And sometimes, English among the non-English can be marvelously mangled and crystal clear all at once, as when we were haggling with a seller of T-shirts in Shanghai last month and were told by the fat lady, “This one, that one, same-same!”)

How boring life would be if we all spoke like a BBC announcer (or, as they would say over there, “presenter”) or wrote like Henry James; tuxedos are silly when we should be wearing jeans. But to those for whom language is as important as clothing on the job, appropriateness is everything, and we should know when to put on that “grammar Nazi” helmet and when to let our hair down (or whatever’s left of it).

My friend and fellow English major Marlu Balmaceda wrote in to submit her pet peeve, which is the way “enjoin” is used by most people these days, as a synonym for “encourage”—“I enjoin you to support this project, etc.” Ernie Hizon of Unilab also disliked the word, reading it as so much corporate gobbledygook. Marlu’s objection came from the fact that “enjoin” originally meant the opposite: to prohibit (“I enjoin you from returning to these shores”).

“Enjoin” happens to be one of those words whose meanings have doubled or even reversed over time, so that today, curiously enough, it can mean both things, depending on the particular usage, although its older sense is largely forgotten. “Cleave,” “awful” and “fulsome” are three other such words. To cleave is to split something apart, but it also means to hold fast to something (“the ax cleaved the dry wood” but also “the child cleaved to its mother”); “awful” used to mean “awe-inspiring” in the reign of Henry VIII, but now means something considerably different; and “fulsome” doesn’t just mean “a lot,” but also—and more correctly, today—“excessive.”

Reader Jun Mongcopa enlightened (clarified?) me about the origins of the phrase “at this point in time,” which he traces back to the early ‘70s, when “every Tom, Dick, Harry and Jane of an American speaker/lecturer visiting our country started using the phrase. There was an article in Time magazine about it and it would seem that the phrase was coined by a Harvard professor. Locally, by the mid-‘70s, the phrase was picked up and popularized by the Asian Institute of Management. Every Juan, Tomas, and Maria who ever set foot upon the hallowed grounds of AIM, be it by attending lectures, seminars or taking up an MBA, had to use the phrase when asked to speak. It became the badge of distinction; when you used the phrase it meant you had some intellectual enlightenment from AIM, which was a really big deal at that time, AIM being touted as the Harvard of the Philippines and equally expensive as hell to enroll in.”

Durnit, I knew I missed something by not going to Harvard or AIM! Many thanks, Jun, and to all the others who sent in their contributions. I have a feeling we’re not done yet. I’ll get back to this topic one of these days—oh, I almost forgot another of your/our favorite expressions, the perfect way to end a Pinoy conversation: “Promise!”

- 0 -

What a great post from a great writer I admire, Jose Dalisay Jr., aka Butch Dalisay. His writings as the “Penman” appears every Monday in the Lifestyle Section of the Philippine Star where this particular article also appeared. This post is now distributed as a viral email all over the internet without proper attribution to Mr. Dalisay. I searched on it online and that’s how I found out he wrote it! If you want to re-distribute this article, please give due credit to the original author- Mr. Butch Dalisay.

LAST NOVEMBER, the folks at Oxford University came out with a list of “top ten irritating expressions” in the English language, by which I suppose they meant the English language as it’s employed in their corner of the English-speaking world, and not necessarily in what used to be the backwaters of the Bard’s dominion, in places like India and the Philippines. “Irritating” is, of course, a matter of cultural and personal predisposition. One man’s joke—such as the “Barack the Magic Negro” song that top Republicans passed among themselves—could be another man’s slur, and what annoys an American—such as a Pinoy texting in the middle of conversation—might be perfectly normal to the other fellow.

So the Oxford list might cause some of us to just go “Eh?”, but it’s always interesting to see what ticks off other people. Now let’s see which among the following words or phrases feels like a bug in your ear:

1. At the end of the day
2. Fairly unique
3. I personally
4. At this moment in time
5. With all due respect
6. Absolutely
7. It’s a nightmare
8. Shouldn’t of
9. 24/7
10. It’s not rocket science

Well, come now, that wasn’t too bad, was it? We hear these expressions hereabouts now and then, but not that often, so they don’t grate on us as they might with the English. For example, we hardly ever say, “It’s not rocket science,” because, well, we don’t have rocket science in this country. Indeed we have our own, uhm, fairly unique ways of putting things and of getting annoyed by them.

I’ve compiled my own list of irritating expressions in English as we Filipinos use the language among ourselves, with others, over the airwaves, in the office, in conferences, and in the papers. I’m sure you can add to this list—do send me your pet peeves—and this comes with the caveat that the annoyance may be entirely mine. If they don’t bother you, then don’t lose any sleep over them; Lord knows we suffer enough aggravations in this life and in this country without having to be upset by wrong or awkward prepositions.

(Speaking of which, a reader wrote in recently to say how he or she—there was no name in the email address—failed to appreciate whatever I was doing in my column-piece on getting a La-Z-Boy, because I had committed the grievous error of saying “in the mall” instead of “at the mall” in my first sentence. I said I agreed that “at the mall” was probably the preferred and “correct” form, but I also asked him/her to Google the whole phrase “in the mall” to see how it’s entered common usage. Language—unfortunately or otherwise—isn’t graven in stone like math, perhaps to the distress of ruler-toting schoolmarms; one billion people saying “1+1=3” isn’t going to make it so. But if enough people—including influential writers and editors in places like Newsweek and The New York Times—say “different than” instead of “different from,” which I’m sticking with only because it’s what I’ve been used to, then the language will change; it already has. This might as well be the place for me to remind readers that while I do teach English and while I deeply value and enjoy language as a writer, I don’t think of myself as a stickler for rules, as some would like me to be. I cringe at bad language and poor grammar, but there are far worse things in life to fret over, and some of the worst damage to English is being perpetrated by some fools in Congress who insist on an English-only policy when they can barely speak or write it. I once had to sit through a hearing where a congressman held forth on “the youngs, the youngs of this country!”)

But here’s my list of the ten most irritating Pinoy expressions in English—irritating not necessarily because they’re wrong (although some are), but because they’re everywhere you look and listen.

1. “In fairness.” The most popular phrase in Pinoy showbiz, where fairness is apparently in great demand. Every time I hear this, my mind goes, “In fairness to whom or to what?”, but you never get to hear the other end of the phrase, so much so that you begin to suspect that the speaker really means “In fairness to me!”

2. “As far as.” I don’t mean “as far as the eye can see,” but “As far as accommodations, everything is already taken care of” (or, more likely in these parts, “taken cared of”) or “As far as Manny Pacquiao, either Hatton or Mayweather will be okay for his next fight.” As in the above, I keep looking for the missing “is (or are) concerned” after “as far as”—but it looks like that’s as far as most people will go.

3. “At this point in time,” the Pinoy version of “At this moment in time.” I can recall precisely when I began hearing this wondrously redundant expression over the airwaves—during the coverage of the 1986 EDSA revolt and its aftermath, from which point (in time?) it became a staple of reporters and broadcasters. Why not just say, “at this point” or “at this time” or the even more economical “today” or “now”?

4. “Remains to be.” Not in the sense of “It remains to be seen if Filipinos will finally vote for the right person,” but rather “The deposit remains to be unclaimed” or “This painter remains to be unappreciated by the critics.” “To be”? Not to be!

5. “Wherein.” I don’t know how this word crept into the vocabulary and overran the place, rather like the carnivore snail someone imported that ate up all the other garden creatures both good and bad, but you hear it everywhere, taking over where (or wherein?) the good old “where” (or, sometimes, the more precise “whereby”) should suffice. Hear this: “The house wherein the hero was born will be turned into a museum.” Want to have some fun? Google these two words together: “wherein” and “Philippines.” You’ll find choice examples like “He entered the University of the Philippines wherein he studied Medicine.”

6. “Demand for.” I’ve already written about this before, but obviously no one in government and corporate officialdom reads me, so we still have signs screaming “Demand for your receipt!”

7. “Literally.” Don’t people know that “literally” means, well, “literally”? I’ve heard people say “I’m so hungry I could literally eat a horse!” Really? I tried horsemeat once, in little nibbles—no, it didn’t taste like chicken—so I guess I could say “I literally ate horse,” but literally eating a horse will require hunger the size of Africa.

8. “Whatever.” You ask someone a perfectly good question you’ve taken minutes to compose, and that person shrugs her shoulders or rolls his eyes and says “Whateverrrr….” Don’t you just want to strangle that person on the spot?

9. “Wholistic/holistic.” First of all, just how do you spell this thing? Does it come with a W or not? The medical dictionary defines “holism” (no W) as “the conception of a man as a functioning whole.” But then you have websites devoted to “The Wholistic Pet” and “Wholistic Health Solutions” (which, incidentally, sells the Home Colon Cleaning Kit). This word (with or without the W—whatever) seems to be one of those warm and fuzzy buzzwords that came in with New Age music, organic tomatoes, and NGOs. (I’ll talk about “stakeholders” some other day.)

10. “Multiawarded.” It’s No. 10 on this list, but it tops my list of Ugliest Frankenwords in the Universe. Of course, it’s popular because it does the job of saying “He (or she) has won not just one but many prizes!” Anyone should be happy to be multiawarded, and I should be honored that this word’s been often applied to me in introductions and such—but it isn’t false modesty at work when you see me wincing at the word. “Prizewinning” will do. Or, better yet, “many-splendored.” But that would no longer be me.

- 0 -

What a great post from a great writer I admire, Jose Dalisay Jr., aka Butch Dalisay. His writings as the “Penman” appears every Monday in the Lifestyle Section of the Philippine Star where this particular article also appeared. This post is now distributed as a viral email all over the internet without proper attribution to Mr. Dalisay. I searched on it online and that’s how I found out he wrote it! If you want to re-distribute this article, please give due credit to the original author- Mr. Butch Dalisay.

CELLPHONE AT BIBLE

(it’s BOVICK, Melanie, bigatin ka na pala at Hollywood star na ang co-star mo, and yes, it’s supposed to be DIRECTED BY..)

——-

Si Melanie Marquez pa rin habang iniinterview ni boy abunda:

Boy: Melanie, anung masasabi mo sa mga lumalabas na tsismis na hindi ka lang daw drug addict, drug pusher ka pa?
Melanie: they are all liars! tingnan nyo nga ako, ang payat-payat ko, i am a model!

(tsk tsk.. mukha ka ngang high! )

2. Katya Santos, on the controversial Viva Hot Babes VCD: “Eighteen year old ABOVE and PATAAS lang ang pwedeng makabili nitong VCD.”

(So kung 17 below and pababa, hindi pwede, di ba?)

3. Heart Evangelista, reading a letter request at Myx: “Dear Heart, I’d like to request the song blah blah… Of course, we will grant your request. You know, everything is possible… WITH GOD!”

* di bale, maganda pa rin naman si Heart. jejee..

4. Boy Abunda, interviewing “Ssshhh…She Walks By Night” star Belinda Bright
Boy: Belinda, what is this movie about?
Belinda: It’s actually a Film Mwah!
Boy: Pardon me?
Belinda: A Film Mwah, we consider it a film, not a movie.
Boy: Ano ulit yun, iha?
Belinda: A Film.. mmm.. it’s an Art Film.

(Film Noir, Belinda, and to think you are Bright!)

* dapat belinda b. na lang name nya. belinda boplorks. jeje..

5. eto pa, iniinterview ni Master Showman yung 98 degrees, tsk tsk..hinde na nahiya:
Kuya Germs: So what can you say about the Filipinas?
Someone from 98 degrees: Ah, they’re all pretty.
Really lovely and kind.
Kuya Germs: Well, have you made love to a Filipina?

* kaya tuloy akala ng foreigners, pokpok lahat ng filipina dahil sa mga
ganitong engot na questions eh. jejee..

——-

Kuya Germs: Salamat at pinaunlakan mo kami Juday. Dahil dyan, may ibibigay kami sa iyo courtesy of video
city. Ito ay… aircon?! Aircon!
Juday: (luwa ang mga mata) Talaga?! Salamat po.
Kuya Germs: Ay…Con Air pala. Isang vhs tape ng Con Air.

6.Kris Aquino: I heard sa France based ang father mo ngayon?
Danilo Barrios: hindi po. sa Paris.
Kris Aquino: so you’re a vegetarian?
Danilo Barrios: opo. kumakain din ako ng meat.

* genius!!!!!! jejejee….

7. Vina Morales, announcing the winners of ASAP’s
Clash Dance: “It’s a tie-breaker!”

* ahh i understand. baka napunta sa braso niya ang utak. jejee..

8. Mariah Carey: Whenever I watch TV and see those
poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean … I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

9. Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks:
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

10. Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign: “Smoking kills. If you are killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

11. Host: What is your favorite feature?
Calendar Girl: My favorite feature is my graduation feature!
(Todo explain pa siya na kesyo maganda daw siya dun kasi naka-makeup siya…)

* hindi ko masisisi si Willie kung binabastos nya mga ganitong klaseng
contestant.

12. eto, isa sa peyborit quotes ko mula sa napanood kong Grand Finals ng She’s Got the Look dati sa Eat
Bulaga:
Vic: Contestant Number —, eto yung question mo:
“What is your guiding principle in life?”
Contestant: Hmm.. guiding principle?
Vic: Oo, guiding principle, kumabaga motto, something na pinaniniwalaan mo.
Contestant: Hmm .. (halatang tensed na).. guiding principle.. my guiding principle is.. hmm.. ahh.. ahh..
Vic (grand finals kaya ayaw niya mamahiya): Para siyang motto.. like “Time is Go..” (sabay putol nung
contestant)
Contestant: Ahh.. my guiding principle in life is “Time is Gold. Thank you!”

13. ito, nung Bb. Pilipinas host: how did you develop your love for horseback riding?
contestant: when I first went to Tagaytay, I ride a horse and the horse thrilled me!
(hmmmm… bakit parang iba meaning?)

* dugyuuut!

14. Host: You’re doing well as a singer in clubs.
What’s your next ambition?
Guest: Gusto ko pong magkaroon ng recording album!
(Recording na, album pa?)

15. Host: What don’t you like about (name of starlet) ba?
Guest: She’s too reactionary!
Host: What do you mean?
Guest: React siya ng react!

* dictionary = dic_ ng dic_?

Disclaimer: The veracity of these quotes can’t be verified. Whether the artists did say the now becoming immortal lines, we don’t know. This has been passed around in emails multiple times…

A Filipino friend shared this email. His friend who works for Homeland security as Immigration Inspector at LAX (Los Angeles International Airport ) called him to share the information that just happened. A FIL-AM citizen who was flying to the Philippines for vacation was apprehended by an Airport Immigration agent while she was checking in her baggage and going through the X-ray machine. For some reason, she was randomly checked and was told to open all the envelopes inside her carry-on Coach bag.

They found 10 envelops addressed to different people in the Philippines. When all the envelops were opened, a total of $11,000 cash was discovered. They asked the traveler if she knew the contents of the envelope. She said no, because all the envelopes are just ‘padala’ (send offs) and the senders didn’t tell her whether or not there was money inside.

Immigration agents showed her a Policy and guidance stating that it is illegal to import and export over $10,000 in any Asian countries to prevent the possibility of supporting terrorism. She was fined $500, her name was ‘red labeled’ by Immigration (which means every time she enters and exits the airport, she will be searched 100%), and she also missed her scheduled flight to the Philippines for being held almost 5
hours. Hard to believe that departing passengers from the U.S. are also subject to the policy but looks like it is being strictly enforced now.

The lessons learned is before you accept any ‘padala’, make sure the envelopes are opened and you physically saw the contents of it or just plainly say ‘sorry but I can’t accept any padala’ for your own safety.

Second email

This email came from a former U.S. Embassy employee and this could be useful to all “balikbayans” (Filipinos returning to the home country).

Subject: TRAVEL ADVISORY FROM AMERICAN EMBASSY MANILA

Please share this with your friends and relatives.

Please be informed of the recent travel advisory to the United States.
Not only pirated VCDs/DVDs are on the hot list. Customs officials are also looking into fake bags like Louis Vuitton, Coach, etc. Please be informed that the American Association of Publishers (AAP) has also alerted the American customs officers to check out for pirated books. This information was given by Patricia Judd of the AAP.

Please warn all nursing graduates who plan to take the NCLEX and CGFNS exams in the States not to bring in these pirated books because there will be a penalty of automatic deportation as violation of intellectual property rights.

If you know anyone visiting the Philippines and coming back to the USA, with ‘pasalubongs’ (gifts) and ‘padalas,’ that are fake or pirated…

Please share with your friends.

Just a friendly reminder: if you have plans of going to the U.S., please take precautionary measures on all ‘padalas,’ especially those containing fake/pirated compact discs/DVDs. US Embassy employees have been given an advisory that as US Gov’t employees, we should abide by the U.S.laws, including Intellectual Property Rights (anti-piracy) laws.

As an additional incentive, the Consular Section recently received a report that the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) searched the bag of a Filipino entering the U.S. on NW 72 in Detroit.

During the search, 70-80 compact discs, 30-40 empty DVD jackets and 10-20 DVDs were found. Since the travelers were not American citizens, their visas were cancelled and they returned to the Philippines .

If they had been Americans, they could have been subject to arrest and criminal prosecution in addition to civil fines and penalties.

Please remember even ONE pirated item can jeopardize your trip. Also, the fingerprinting system has successfully been instituted in all port of entries. I suggest you bring extra identification cards in addition to your passport to facilitate your entry in the US Immigration. I hope this is helpful to you.

The story you are about to read is an ‘anonymous’ (no more) made up story that circulated via email a year ago and gained so much popularity that it has got to be the most famous and most popular forwarded Filipino email of all time! The thing is when I received it from a good friend whom I admire for her brilliance, I thought she wrote it herself!

The letter is so crafty, witty and hilarious that only a ‘genius’ could write it! Writing an intentional “broken English” or using intentional malapropisms is hard and only a talent with a knack for good English can truly write one with such creativity!

Anonymous No More

I came across it again but this time I wanted to publish it here on the site with proper credits to the ingenious writer/s. So I researched via Google. I used different keyword combinations because “the” is a pretty bloody vague word and it’s widely used like one in every two English sentences! Then I typed the entire line: “We’ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother.”

There it is! I found it via Inquirer.net and here’s what they wrote:

“As it turns out, “A Love Story” (re-titled “The?!” in some emails, “You’re barking at the wrong leg” in others) was written as a joke by GMA Network news reporters Tina Panganiban-Perez, Kara David, Ruth Cabal, Joseph Morong, Nelson Canlas and Aubrey Carampel. Gosh, you never can tell.”

Wow, awesome especially that they’re “Kapuso” and not “Kapamilya”! (I’m a self-confessed “Kapamilya” fan! LOL) Why they chose to remain anonymous when their work is pure genius, I wouldn’t know. You’d have to ask the authors that.

Without further ado I give you “The,” or “A Love Story,” or “You’re barking at the wrong leg.” (Darn, why didn’t they come up with the real title and stuck with it?!)

WAIT! WE HAVE AN UPDATE: August 5, 2008.

Couldn’t believe what I found on our Dashboard today. One of the main authors, Ms. Tina Panganiban-Perez left a message further resolving the mystery behind this magnum opus!! Yes, she left a comment! She found the site through Joseph Morong! (Big thanks for finding our site, Joseph!)

She explains that “THE” isn’t really the title and they never meant to go ‘anonymous.’ It first appeared on her blog and people obviously copied it WITHOUT attribution (bad!! tsk.tsk.) and it spread like wildfire in email and blogs…

There you go! Next time you copy someone else’s work, PLEASE include the byline!! Writers put in so much effort coming up with an article. You can’t just cut and paste it and pass along without including the author’s name/s…

______________________________

** “Kapuso” (For heart, with heart) and “Kapamilya” (For family, we are family) refer to the slogans of two competing Philippine TV network giants in the Philippines. They have long standing rivalry and its individual fans are quite passionate when it comes to “fighting” and defending their fave respective TV channels. The latter, being an ABS-CBN TV network fan and the former, being a GMA TV network fan.

- 0 -

The! “A Love Story” – Part 1

By Tina Panganiban-Perez, Kara David, Ruth Cabal, Joseph Morong, Nelson Canlas and Aubrey Carampel

We’ ve been friends for a long time ago. We come from the same alma mother. Actually, our paths crossed one time on another. But it’s only now that I gave him a second look. I realized that beauty is in the eyes. The pulpbits of my heart went fast, really fast. Cute pala siya. And then, he came over
with me. He said, “I hope you don’t mine. Can I get your number?” Nag-worry ako. What if he doesn’t give it back? He explained naman na it’s so we could keep intact daw. Sabi ko, connect me if i’m wrong but are you asking me ouch? Nabigla siya. Sagot niya, “The!” Aba! Parang siya pa ang galit!
Persona ingrata!!! Ang kapal niya! I cried buckles of tears.

Na-guilty yata siya. Sabi niya, isipin mo na lang na this is a blessing in
the sky. Irregardless daw of his feelings, we’ll go ouch na rin. Now, we’re
so in love. Mute and epidemic na ang past. Thanks God we swallowed our
fried. Kasi, I’m 33 na and I’m running our time. After 2 weeks, he plopped
the question. “Will you marriage me?” I’m in a state of shocked. Kasi
mantakin mo, when it rains, it’s four! This is true good to be true. So
siyempre, I said yes. Love is a many splendor.

Pero nung inaayos ko na ang aming kasal, everything swell to pieces.
Nag-di-dinner kami noon nang biglang sa harap ng aming table, may babaeng
humirit ng, “Well, well, well. Look do we have here.” What the fuss! The
nerd ng babaeng yon! She said they were still on. So I told her, whatever is
that, cut me some slacks! I didn’t want this to get our hand kaya I had to
sip it in the bud. She accused me of steeling her boyfriend. Ats if! I don’t
want to portrait the role of the other woman.

Gosh, tell me to the marines! I told her, “please, mine you own business!”

Who would believe her anyway?

Dahil it’s not my problem anymore but her problem anymore, tumigil na rin
siya ng panggugulo. Everything is coming up daisies. I’m so happy. Even my
boyfriend said liketwice. He’s so supportive.  Sabi niya, “Look at is this
way. She’s our of our lives.”

Kaya advise ko sa inyo – take the risk. You can never can tell. Just burn
the bridge when you get there. Life is shorts. If you make a mistake, we’ll
just pray for the internal and external repose of your soul. I second
emotion.

—————————————————————

The! “Sinech si Jeff” – Part 2

By Tina Panganiban-Perez, Kara David, Ruth Cabal, Joseph Morong, Nelson Canlas and Aubrey Carampel

I thought Jay’s ex-girlfriend was really out of our lives. But heaven only goes that I was wrong. Kakakasal pa lang namin nun when Jay received a uninamous text. “Meet me at the clinic”. I had a stinking feeling in my butt. I told him not to go. It might in danger him. Pero sabi niya, ok lang daw because life is what we make. Tumahimik lang ako. Sabi niya, Penny for you talks? But I didn’t know what to say. Beggars can’t be losers. Isa pa, worried talaga ako na baka yung girl yun. Jay said, Can’t got your tongue?? I tried to smile at him. Kahit di ako nagsalita, actions speak louder than works, di ba?

Be that as is may, umalis pa rin siya. I was out of the loophole.
After a few hours, I called him on his cellphone. But my calls fell on Jeff’s ears.
Lalo akong nag-worry kasi I didn’t even know Jeff. Sabi na nga ba di na
dapat umalis si Jay. That’s what I’m talking about it.

So I tried calling some friends who will help me find Jay.  That’s what
friends are for naman di ba? But I just faced a blank mall. I had to do this
alone. Nag-taxi na lang ako. Pero ang mahal na pala ng plug down rate.

When I got to the clinic, the security was really buffed up.  Di basta-basta
makakapasok. So I said, I beg your cordon. I’m patient. It’s my favorite
virtue nga e.? Nagduda yata yung isang guard. Hinawakan ako sa arm. The
nerd! I shouted, Don’t touch me not! Buti na lang the other guards were nice
and said, Come on, let’s join us.

When I went inside, parang I’ve been there, done there. Nung walang
nakatingin, nag-explore ako. Nakarating ako sa top floor and I had a bird’s
IQ of the clinic. I could not explain it but I was drawn to a room on the
floor. Siguro Divine Intermission na yun.

Parang may narinig akong umuungol. I was thorn. Di ko alam kung aalis ba ako
o papasukin ko. It made me stick in the stomach to think that Jay and his
ex-girlfriend were there. I tried to tell myself to slower my expectations.
But to tell with it! I had to strike while the iron is not. I had to hear
the truth from the corpse’s mouth. I barraged in. O my gas! Si Jay,
naka-strap sa operating table, parang genie pig sa isang nakakatakot na
experiment. He was on the cutting edge. He was bleeding. At ang doctor na
nagpapahirap sa kanya, ang ex-girlfriend niya at ang bago nitong boyfriend,
ang nurse na si Walter. Doon ko napatunayang blood is thicker than Walter.

Guess watch? Di ko alam kung paano ko nagawa pero I was able to search and
rescue Jay. Siguro adrenaline brush na yun. Now, he’s recovering. Nag-sorry
siya na hindi siya nakinig sa akin. I know it’s a better pill to swallow
your pride so it’s forgive and forget me not. All swell that end swell. I
know we should kiss and put on makeup.

Ang ex-girlfriend naman niya at si Walter, nakakulong na.  Detention is
really better than cure. So the moral of the lesson is:  if symptoms
persist, insult your doctor.

- 0 -

Found a photo of “Genie-fer” proving she’s a real person! From one of the authors herself, TV personality Tina Panganiban-Perez’ blog.

And Genie-fer has this to say:

I’m back to back with a vengeance. Better late than ever. I was busy as a bu-sy. I hope that come one may, absence made your heart grow down there. I got sped up with so many things that’s why I had to give me a break. You know, it’s a doggie dog world out there.

So anyway, I heard it from the grave vine that people are saying I’m just a pigment of some people’s imagination. Well, to tell with it. I’m a real person. So I will proof it. Here’s my picture.

Stain tuned for the big refill!

Written in Tagalog, the Philippine language; this piece is a satire comparing “Havaianas” to the good ole cheap local brand Spartan flipflops. How “Havaianas” has infiltrated the Philippines when it’s not even that popular in a first world country like the united states, we don’t know! (Sorry, we can’t translate because the meaning isn’t just the same when translated…)

Pangalan: Havaianas

Lugar na pinanggalingan: São Paulo , Brazil

Pagbigkas:
ah-vai-YAH-nas (Brazilian Portuguese)
hah-vee-ah-naz (American English)
OMG! hah-va-yaH-naZz! (Filipino)

Materyal na ginamit: Malupit na goma (high-quality rubber).

Presyo: Depende. Ganito na lang, 1 pares ng Havaianas = 100 pares ng Spartan.

Mga nagsusuot: Mga konyotik at mga mayayaman (na noong una ay nababaduyan sa mga naka-de sipit na tsinelas at sasabihing, “Yuck! So baduy naman nila, naka-slippers lang.”)

Malulupit na katangian at kakayahan:
- Masarap isuot.
- Shock-absorbent
- Malambot ngunit matibay
- Makukuha sa sandamakmak na kulay, disenyo at burloloy
- Maaaring isuot sa loob ng Starbucks
- Mainam na pang-japorms
- Mainam i-terno sa I-Pod at Caramel Macchiato
- Mapipilitan kang maglinis ng mga kuko mo sa paa
- Maaari ka nang mag-dikwatro sa loob ng mga pampublikong lugar at sasakyan
- Magiging ‘fashionable’ ka kapag ikaw ay nagkukuyakoy

Olats na mga katangian:
Mahal!
Mahal!
Mahal!

Pangalan: Spartan

Lugar na Pinanggalingan: Metro Manila , Philippines

Pagbigkas:
spar-tan (American English),
is-par-tan (Filipino).

Materyal na ginamit: Pipitsuging goma (Low-quality rubber).

Presyo: Wala pang 50 pesos.
Isang pares ng Spartan = 20 piraso ng pan de coco.

Mga nagsusuot: ang masa (gaya-gaya lang ang mga sosyal at pasyonista)

Malulupit na katangian at kakayahan:
- Maaring ipampatay sa ipis
- Maaring ipampalo sa mga batang suwail at damuho
- Pwedeng ipanglusong sa baha at putikan
- Pwedeng ipamalengke
- Mainam gamitin sa tumbang-preso
- Mainam gawing ‘shield’ kapag naglalaro ng espa-espadahan
- Mainam isuot sa siko bilang proteksyon habang naglalaro ng piko
- Mainam na pambato sa picha o shuttlecock na sumabit sa puno
- Mainam na pangkulob sa pumuputok na watusi
- Kapag ginupit-gupit nang pahugis ‘cube,’ e maaari mo nang gawing pamato sa larong Bingo na kadalasang makikita sa mga lamay ng patay.

Olats na mga katangian:
- Madaling magkawalaan kapag hinubad dahil halos pare-pareho lang ang itsura
- Masakit isuot kapag may mga balahibo ang mga daliri mo sa paa
- Minsan kapag ipinambato mo ito sa picha o shuttlecock na nakasabit sa puno, e nadadamay pati yung tsinelas

In the “supposed” recent David Letterman show, Mr. David Letterman himself, apparently used Filipino-Americans in one of his skits. Here’s the recap:

Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn’t Be a Filipino-American US President

By David Letterman

10. The White House is not big enough
for in-laws and extended relatives.

9. There are not enough parking spaces
at the White House for 2 Honda Civics,
2 Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota
Corollas, a Mercedes Benz, a BMW , and
an MPV (My Pinoy Van).

8. Dignitaries generally are
intimidated by eating with their
fingers at State dinners.

7. There are too many dining rooms in
the White House – where will they put
the picture of the Last Supper?

6. The White House walls are not big
enough to hold a pair of giant wooden
spoon and fork.

5. Secret Service staff won’t respond
to “psst… psst” or “hoy.hoyhoy!”

4. Secret Service staff will not be
comfortable driving the presidential
car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the
rear view mirror, or the statue of the
Santo Nino on the dashboard.

3. No budget allocation to purchase a
Karaoke music-machine for every room in the White House.

2. State dinners do not allow “Take
Home”.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE
COULDN’T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN U.S.
PRESIDENT IS…

1. Air Force One does not allow
overweight Balikbayan boxes!

Note: This is a forwarded email that’s been going around hence we also classified it as a viral email. David Letterman has a popular segment in his show where he rants or raves about his TOP TEN on anything. This may be the inspiration for this article. We can not attest to the veracity of whether it appeared or not in the David Letterman Show. Please use at your own discretion.